Idle hands are the devil’s playground. The Puritans certainly thought that, and perhaps for some individuals, it’s true. You have nothing to do, so you and trouble have a play date. Well, your rebel without a cause self can go off in a corner and sulk.
For me, idle hands are the self’s deterioration. In other words, when I’m inactive my soul suffers.
I am someone who tends to buck against the system, to find ways to bend the rules, to push the boundaries and make a life outside of expectations and norms.
One of the requirements of a life like that is you need norms and boundaries to push against. Right now, I am without boundaries. While I wait for my job to start in January, I am free to do as I please. I can make whatever choices I want, do as I want, live as I want. Within the confines of my budget (which is minuscule) and the cultural norms of the place I currently reside, of course, but by and large I can do whatever for the next two weeks. It is driving me batty. Loco. Nutty. Loony. And I don’t just mean the general stir crazy either, I mean the type of unhingedness that pushes me into a slump. The doldrums. Malaise. Ennui. I am stagnate and have little to shake the waters.
With so much free time (aka all my time), the creative outlets I normally use to bring joy into my life begin to lose meaning because they are not creative outlets anymore, but simply things I am doing. I need a schedule, a set path for my day-to-day life in order to make the moments when I do have the freedom to choose what I do have purpose and a freshness about them.
Without this, I question everything. About my life, my choices, my future, my personality, my capabilities as a human being – you name it, whatever confidence I have in my decisions gets thrown under the bus when I am left sitting idle for too long.
What this all means is that I am depressed right now and questioning my decision to come to Cairo. After thinking about it for a bit, I’ve come to the conclusion it is because I am currently thinking too damn much because I have too much free time and not enough daily purpose so that I don’t have to think about my reasons for being here, I am just living them.
I need something to do. My brain is starting to disagree with me on everything. I think various parts of my body are acting out in protest. I’m falling to pieces here for no good reason!
But in a few weeks, inshallah, as I start my job (which doesn’t mean it’ll be smooth sailing from there since lord knows I am going to have a number of issues with being a teacher namely that I have very few qualifications and little experience what-the-hell-am-I-doingohlordihopethisisntonebigmistake NO SEE THERE I GO THINKING TOO MUCH NEED TO STOP.), I’ll be in a happier place because I’ll have a schedule and something to build my life around. Right now I have no way to construct a life since there aren’t any bits to put it together with.
End moment of panic/depression/anger. Well at least for you all I’m still stuck with these feelings for the next two weeks.